a bit of a laugh pt 2

[scottfree]

haha.....................................ha

[baccyman]

Teacher to class: "Give me a good example of an oxymoron."
Kid in back row: "A well adjusted transvestite."



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The barber was finishing a haircut on a customer one day and started to apply some 'Aftershave Lotion' around his ears when the customer yelled, "Don't put that crap on me! My wife says it smells like a French Whorehouse!"
Another customer who was waiting replied, "Hey John, you can put the 'Aftershave Lotion' on me... My wife has never been in a French Whorehouse!"

Then the fun began...



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Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets out a scream.
His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling. He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, "K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it better."

Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's sh*t with me!"

[scottfree]

Q: What's the first symptom of aids..........?

A: A hard thumping in your ass!

[baccyman]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of a jet liner. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered quite violently once more. Assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, and said, I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, then shuddered violently. Are you okay?

"Sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied. "I have a very rare medical condition; Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious."I've never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."



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A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her at a department store.
The little boy gets bored so he decides to have a look around.

When his mom comes out of the changing room, she finds her little boy sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt.

"GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!", she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT US WOMEN HAVE GOT TEETH DOWN THERE!"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened.

So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have got teeth down below.

By the time the little boy reaches the age of 16, he finds himself a girl.

One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action.

After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.

"What do you mean?", he asks.

She replies, "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?", while pointing to her privates.

"HELL NO!", he cries. "You've got teeth down there!"

"No I don't", she responds.

"Yes you do", he says. "My mom told me that you do."

"No I don't", she insists. "Here, look for yourself."

With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I'm sorry", he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."

"Oh for Christ's sake!", she screams.

With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there."

He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."

[baccyman]

Abbot and Costello Meet Windows 98

Costello: Hey, Abbot!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?

Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?

Costello: A Pentium III-500, 256 Megs
of RAM, 12 Gig hard drive, and a DVD!
Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.

Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!
Abbot: You will in time.

Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?

Costello: I heard that you are a real computer wiz
Abbot: Well, I don't know...

Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And
you're going to train me.
Abbot: Really?

Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first
lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?

Costello: I am having no problem turning it on,
but I heard that you should be very careful how
you turn it off.
Abbot: That's true.

Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer
and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and
then..

Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button..

Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it Off. I
know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did.

Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button!

Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.

Costello: I press Start to stop?
Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the
computer.

Costello: I knew it! So what do I press?
Abbot: Start.

Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.

Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.

Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.

Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press..

Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?

Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the
computer, I am willing to press the Stop button,
the End button, Cease and Desist button, but no
one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But that's what you do.

Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and
Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.

Costello: I'm being ridiculous? Well. I think
it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?

Costello: I am starting this conversation right
now. Good-bye.

[baccyman]

Hillary Clinton goes to a new doctor in Washington for an examination and he discovers that she has crabs.
He thinks to himself "How am I going to tell the senator that she has crabs?"

After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office. Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition.

She is quite concerned and asks him what it is.

He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease.

She says "What?"

He again responds "Nixon's Disease."

She says, "Level with me doc, what does it mean?"

He responds, "Well Senator Clinton, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your oval office."



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A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.
At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.

The husband responded, "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions."

At which point the wife took up the tale, "And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."

[baccyman]

Andy Reid had put together the perfect Eagles team, missing only a stud quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, even the Canadian and European leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer to guarantee a Super Bowl win.
One night he was watching a war-zone scene in Iraq on TV. In the background of one shot, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another grenade 75 yards, pitching it right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another into a car passing at 90 mph. BULL'S-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Reid shouted. "He's got the perfect arm!" He finds him and brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. The Eagles go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Iraqi is hailed as a great hero, and when Reid asks him what he wants, he says he wants to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman snaps. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"You don't understand, Mother," the QB pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. The elections are a joke, your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, then tearfully adds, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Philadelphia!"

[99%]

Q how do you know when you have a high sperm count.



A your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows .

[baccyman]

A man in his mid 40s goes to a building site and asks the foreman if he has any job openings.
"Actually, I am a man short," replies the foreman. "Do you have experience?"

"I've worked in construction all my life," the man says, "but I had an accident a few years ago and haven't worked since. To make a long story short, I was working with a large industrial saw when it slipped and, well, it castrated me."

"Ooh," the foreman says, wincing. "That's awful, but you have plenty of experience, so come down tomorrow morning at 10 and I'll get you started."

"Great," replies the man. "But don't I usually see you guys here at nine?"

"Yeah," the foreman says, "but for the first hour we just stand around scratching our balls."



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Blondie Air Lines flight 113 was descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The blonde pilot looked out the windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the copilot, "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!"
The blonde copilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! You're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?" "Well we better, were almost out of fuel." So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot's hands were sweating, the copilot was praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking.

"WHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the blonde captain. "That runway was SHORT!"

"Yeah!" said the blonde copilot," and WIDE too!"

[baccyman]

The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish. He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one night stand. But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already in one.
"I can't help feeling that we've met before." he said.

"Yeah, I know." sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to me a lot. I think they call this 'deja screw'.



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A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"